Brian Schnack writes:

Here’s the ultimate in AL East maneuvers….

In a move sure to escalate the AL East race, the Red Sox announced the surprise signing of 64-year old Soo Yung Kim, a little-used North Korean lefty. Kim has reportedly pitched off and on for 3 decades in the Pyongyang Nuclear Research Eternal Sunshine League, his best year coming in 1989 (3.98 ERA/5 RSAA). Boston GM Theo Epstein, beaming in the lobby of a New Orleans Dunkin’ Donuts, admitted, “He comes with the tools to get a lot of people out. He could be a heck of a closer.”

Following the news of the Red Sox deal, sources close to George Steinbrenner say that the Yankees successfully tested a low-yield hydrogen bomb at their Dominican Republic test facilities. In a hastily-called press conference before a flight to New York, Steinbrenner refused to comment on his moves, saying only, “We are going to win this damn thing. If we don’t, nobody will.”

Chasing the heels of the Alex Rodriguez and Sheffield affairs, the Orioles had just signed Oakland SS Miguel Tejada to a large deal. However, in the fallout of this weekend’s brinksmanship, the Orioles have reportedly scrapped plans to sign Expos OF Vladimir Guerrero and Marlins C Ivan Rodriguez, instead placing their efforts on what owner Peter Angelos calls “Plan Z”. While no movements have been confirmed, reports have placed GM John Andrews in Pakistan and several former Soviet republics in the past weeks.

Capping off a big 48 hours in the AL East, the Devil Rays announced journeyman C Matt Walbeck as hitting instructor.