July 14, 2003
Last Word On Simon
The last word on the Randall Simon affair goes to my good friend Jim "The Official" Storer:
It has come to my attention that Pirates' 1B Randall Simon was recently
involved in a controversial incident involving a mascot.
It seems that in a promotional footrace between staffers dressed as a
bratwurst, a kielbasa and an Italian sausage, Simon slapped the unsuspecting
Italian sausage in the buns with his bat.
When will this senseless violence against anthropomorphized processed
meat products end?! If Simon had a beef with the sausage, then he should have
mustard up the courage to address the sausage to his face instead of hot-dogging
it. Though he may not relish this approach, with the Pirates red hot and on
a roll, the steaks were simply too high, and Simon's suspension will hurt his
team's chances to ketchup in the standings instead of remaining one of the
NL's wurst teams.
Had Simon played in an earlier day, would Turkey Mike Donlin or Bob Veale
have been safe? Chicken Stanley or Coot Veal? First excoriated in the
media, then suspended by league officials, Simon himself has now moved from the
frying pan into the fire. Fortunately, appropriate discipline has been meted out.
As Simon contemplates his punishment, he should embrace Luis Tiant's
words of wisdom: "It's nice to be with a wiener!"